Trying To Inhabit My Old Self.

train your brain

Today is day #18 since I had a sudden stroke while we were on our vacation in Colorado. I wrote a post on August 17 about the frightening ordeal, but I am just now realizing the mental ramifications. My stroke was mild compared to most. I was lucky…no doubt about it.


However, as the neurologist at the hospital said when I mentioned going home…”Do you not realize that you had a STROKE? Think about it. This is a very serious situation.”


“We have to put together a plan to keep it from happening again.”



don't get down




Some of the realities that have made me feel like there is a stranger inhabiting my own body…


1. I still cannot write with my right hand. I try to print, but a three year old would be much more successful. When I had some lab work completed this morning, I was told by the receptionist to sign in and wait for my name to be called. Are you kidding?  I wrote a crooked and not at all legible “Pat”. No last name. No birth date.

2. When I try to walk, I tend to veer severely to the right. It is like my car when the tires are not aligned correctly. Or when the steering wheel needs some heavy handed assistance to work smoothly.

3. I forget about my right hand not working correctly and repeatedly try to hold items. It doesn’t matter how heavy or how light, I won’t make it far without quickly dropping something.

4. I am unbelievably tired…100% of the time. My ability to focus is nearly non-existent. That is the reason that my posts have been so sporadic. I know exactly what I want to write for my post, but I cannot seem to stay with the task for several hours like I could prior to the stroke. This ability should return…I hope.

5. Really…I am not going to mention anything else. I don’t like to sound like I am a pitiful and whining puddle of emotions. Especially when I know good and well that I came out on the positive side compared to the majority of people having strokes. I just need to get my act together and find myself again…because I know that I can!



heart quote



12 thoughts on “Trying To Inhabit My Old Self.

  1. Pingback: Author Interview – Justin Hamlin – “Jezebel”, “Dog Meat”, “The Samurai of Gosford Green” and “Tenacity (Castle Book 1)” (Urban Fantasy/Crime Thriller/Horror) | toofulltowrite (I've started so I'll finish)

  2. Praying for you and Mike, my friend. You will make it because you are you. I know from watching others go through this, that is affects so much more than just physical. So take your time and cut yourself some slack.


  3. Dearest KinderG.
    There is nothing, I feel, that I could say which would wipe away what happened or how it’s affecting you right now.

    Just know …. that I am thinking of your many, many times a day, and each time I think of you, I send a prayer, heaven bound, asking for help for you, and for healing angles to be sent to surround you with their powers of healing, and love.

    I’m praying for you KinderG., and am sending my love through the ether.
    Don’t run before you can walk…. it will eventually happen …. but you have to give it time.
    Much love ~ Cobs. x


  4. Good Lord….I’m not sure how on earth I missed seeing your post!!! I am soooo very sorry my friend!!! This is the first I am learning about your stroke!! I am SO grateful that you survived it so thank to God for that!!! Honey, please don’t get discouraged – I imagine that is WAY easier said than done but try to take comfort in that fact that you are HERE today!! Thank God!! Try to get OT and PT therapy immediately too so you can get back on track as soon as possible!!! Do I need to ground you to your room young lady??? Please, please take care of yourself and be KIND to yourself!! Hugs and massive prayers for a full recovery soon!!!


  5. It is so hard to age. I’m getting there and feel things changing. Learning to count my blessings different from before!
    I’m glad you have a good team of doctors working with you. Take it as easy as possible and we will be here for you. I’ve had a small scare with my hand, and know how it feels to be detached, not listening, and weird like its not your own. Hope the functioning improves.
    You stayed optimistic and had faith in their abilities for your family and students all these years. Now do it for you.
    Lots of love n hugs. Take care of you.


  6. Hugs and best wishes for an acceptable (to you!) “new normal”. Do your therapy with religious fervor, don’t complain (even to yourself!), be thankful for the blessing of the professionals who want you to be a winner and end up at the best point you can be. Have hope and laugh when you can!

    I want you to know I have end term kidney failure, thanks to a very serious disease (Wegener’s granulomatosis, a disease of the small and medium-sized blood vessels), so I speak from experience with near death.

    When my doctor informed me of the name of my illness back in December 2003, he concluded, “…and you will be dead in two years.”

    On the third anniversary of his proclamation, I reminded him I was supposed to be dead as of the previous year. We had laugh. I went into remission for several years, but damage done to my kidneys w=eventually caught up with me in 2016.

    Teams of doctors visited me each day at University Hospital in Denver, each giving me information on tests or observations they made on my case, based on their specialties. Each report added up to give me the whole picture, as much as it was known.

    The last day, reports seemed obvious to me: I had the most severe form of kidney disease and was going to be on dialysis for life (or have to have a transplant). Having experienced near death a couple times over the years, that seemed an acceptable option: I could live with the disease!

    The nephrologist, an elderly doctor whose name tag gave his first name (which must have been uncomfortable for him to hear after years of being Dr. Titelbaum, with all the dignity and importance that conveyed…!) and a young doctor were the last to visit me that fateful day, and I had everything but his official word of the prognosis, my fate.

    I sat on the edge of the bed in my hospital gown when they arrived. He acted uncomfortable trying to let me know I had dialysis for life in my future. Surely he’d done this numerous times! Frankly, I didn’t understand his hesitancy!

    Finally, I said, “Doctor, nothing you can tell me will scare the pants off of me [pause] because I’m not wearing any!”

    The young doctor stifled a snicker. She was in pain! Then the dignified older doctor got it: I understood the seriousness of my situation, but he didn’t have to worry about me because I could find the absurdity in my situation, too, and laugh! He finally laughed, too, and the young doctor was relieved she could let out a big laugh at last.

    My “new normal” is dialysis three days a week. The procedure takes four hours each time, with about an hour or so prep time and time at the end to remove the tubing, etc. do I feel sorry for myself? Heck no! I do my kitty blog, socialize with friends, take day trips, enjoy my life, and count my blessings that I’m above ground still!

    This was a bit long, but I hope I gave you a laugh, inspired some hope, and lightened your current load. You survived a stroke and now have the work of recovery to do. You will make it! Your followers will you to!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I read your post about your stroke. I’m sorry to learn that it happened to you.

    Having a stroke is not like having a cut. You can see the cut and the rest of the body still can function. Yes, the neurologist was right. You have to be patient and can’t expect to be back to the way you were in a week. My brother-in-law had a stroke and affected the facial muscle, so half of the fact was not normal. Eventually, he recovered. It seems like your situation is different. It affects your right side of the body – your hand. You are fortunate that it didn’t affect your speech. My dad’s stroke made him paralyze the whole left side plus his speech. He used a small chalkboard to write when communicate. It was very hard for him.

    I don’t know how long it will take for you to recover. The nerves have to redirect to connect and it takes time. I have to take my condition after chemo for my cancer as the new normal. Many of my friends have different physical problems and they have to accept a new normal. I think you will recover, but it will take more than a week. At the mean time, you may have to learn a different way of doing things for a while.

    Best wishes. Get well soon!


    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hang in Pat.

    Brain plasticity is a potent force for learning the new. It’s wearying as you say, but you’ll achieve milestones on the path that will astound.

    Just a poopy journey for you on the way.

    Do what you need to do when you can, rest when you need to. Write whenever.

    Liked by 1 person

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