Struggle: Daily Prompt from last week when pingbacks were not working correctly… and not at all working for me. My story is finally posted with the other Daily Prompts!

I would rather smile. Sometimes I struggle to find one. But I do. I would rather laugh. Sometimes I struggle to make my laugh sound real. But I do. I would rather see the bright blue sun-filled sky. Sometimes I struggle to appreciate this gift. But I do. Sometimes I struggle to feel the much needed renewal of the rain. But I do.

The fact is that I like the rain, I like sunny days, I like to laugh, I like to smile as much as possible. So why do I sometimes struggle? I would say that it is because I am just a regular person. I am not a comic book super hero. And I doubt you are either and I am glad. To be a super hero would just be too outlandish. And there is enough happening in this world that is truly outlandish. Enough happening that is cruel. Enough happening that is negative. Enough happening that is heartless. Enough. Heartless…now that is something to truly struggle understanding.

Regular people struggle over individual worries and problems. Perhaps we really need to struggle over solving problems that are much bigger than ourselves. To look at the big picture. To accept differences. To accept compromise. To accept and respect. We need to stop struggling over small and insignificant problems. We need to widen our focus.

To focus on building tolerance. To focus on appreciating the rainy day. And not fear the struggle.

When I Was Young in the Mountains by Cynthia Rylant opened my eyes to understanding those from different circumstances. I previously just thought that I had empathy. I taught for 18 years at public elementary schools that were all designated as Title I…schools with a population percentage predominately disadvantaged.

My former experience was at private schools…day schools for early childhood. Quite the opposite situation compared to a Title I school. The day school students were from financially successful families with most every opportunity available. The parents were college educated and most planned to send their children to the most highly ranked private schools. To say the least, the expectations were incredibly different.

My day school children did not have to worry about the electricity being turned off on a regular basis. They didn’t know about high crime neighborhoods where people placed bars across their windows. They didn’t have to worry about not walking on the other side of the street past a known drug house. Honestly, they had few worries at all.

And then I began my journey through the real world that many children face. The sixth graders at one school were already in gangs. I just did not understand.

 A third grader regularly crawled to the front of the classroom and laid down in a fetal position behind me. The other children would yell…”Be careful and don’t drop your book! It might fall on his head!”… this is teaching? HELP! The child spent three months of the school year in a mental facility. I just did not understand.

Three or four years later, I had a class of lively and bright second graders. There was just one problem. NONE of the children could read even one word. NONE of them knew any letters of the alphabet. New meaning to the words “start at the very beginning.” I just did not understand.

And then I found an incredibly special children’s book titled When I Was Young in the Mountains. Cynthia Rylant based the book on her own childhood in the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia. What her life lacked in personal comfort was completely overshadowed by her grandparent’s love and care. And besides…she was in the mountains. She had her world and her world was enough. Suddenly, I understood.

Breckenridge, Colorado. What can I say? Breckenridge is near ideal…at least, the town is near ideal for me. Encircled by mountains, Breckenridge is a small ski (plus more!) town about two hours west of the Denver International Airport.  If it is snowing, count on more time. If it is icy, count on more, more hours. Or better yet…don’t count the hours or miles at all. Just enjoy the mountains and the clear mountain air. Unless (of course) you have problems with altitudes. At that point, please stop and steer clear of my car. After all, I probably rented the car (surely, I was able to get a SUV) from Enterprise. I don’t want an accident–colliding with a dizzy person– on my record with Enterprise. They have good rates…even going to a ski town.

Yes…Breckenridge is definitely a ski town. So…you must think that I am an excellent ski person. So untrue. I want to be one. I tried to be one. I took lessons for 20 minutes at least 20 years ago. I thought that the snow would be soft and fluffy…very similar to petting a little bouncy, fluffy Bichon Frise puppy. The snow was the exact opposite of a Bichon. The snow was really ice wrapped in a few snowflakes here and there. Early spring melting. The mountain tricked me. The snow looked so beautiful when I was riding the ski lift up the mountain. My entire family was going to take ski lessons that day. Our son was already enrolled in a kiddie class at the bottom of the mountain. My husband was enrolled in the same class as me. He made it through the class. He probably got some kind of first day of ski school golden ski medal.

I received the first day of ski school earliest quitter medal. I was simply not able to stay upright in those expensive ski boot rentals attached to equally expensive skis. Maybe I should have upgraded to better boots and skis. No. Surely, there were not any more expensive than what I got. And the boots hurt. And that made my head hurt. And the continuous falling down hurt my pride and everything else attached to me. I quit ski school. A drop-out. I am just not a quitter except when it comes to pain. Let’s just say that the boots were too tight. Let’s not say that I didn’t exactly follow directions given by the ski instructor. I spent the remainder of the day sitting in a lounge (bar? coffee shop?) near the base of the mountain. I had countless cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows and wonderful conversations with other ski failure people. That is how I learned so much about Breckenridge.

By the end of the day, I was like a seasoned tour guide. I knew every special boutique (many to choose from), every excellent pizza place, every fancy restaurant, every tourist must-go-to place. There are so many fun things to do and things to see in Breckenridge…plus very friendly people. Plus an ice skating rink. Plus indoor pools at some resorts. Plus snowmobiles to rent. I am certain that I am a snowmobile natural.

Ah…the mountains! Rocky Mountain High in Colorado! The ski part does look fun, but there are lots more activities to do! Just find a hot chocolate place and start up a few conversations!

 *****News Flash!*****

I have actually hired a personal trainer at my gym! I am obviously in need of a lot of direction. When a machine has a knob that is supposed to turn right, I am certainly going to try for left. I am truly a problem for the immediate exercise world. I hope the trainer has a peaceful weekend. His Monday may be very frustrating. I am not normally so negative, but I have vast amounts of experience with me and this subject matter!

I WILL TRY MY VERY BEST! REALLY!!! 

 The following is a reblog of my initial experience joining the gym…for those of you who are new to my site…a little background on my exercise procrastination! I know that I am sort of…well…not that good at gyms! However, I still think the gym is surprisingly fun!

***click on view original post for the rest of the story***

Monday would have been the perfect day for me to visit the gym. The perfect day to pay the registration fee again. The perfect day to begin my very exciting retirement on a positive note. I had so many ideas on how to spend the first Monday of my summer that I couldn’t decide what to do first. So I went shopping. Shopping in the middle of the day (when I am normally teaching school) is a total thrill. I needed to buy nothing at all. Well…except shoes. I always need shoes.

Of course, I needed to reward myself with shoes. After teaching elementary school for 18 years, I quite typically wondered if I should buy 18 pair of shoes. That would be so fun! How many stores would I need to browse through? A fancy shopping area is just seven or eight minutes away. Hey! I could really do some credit card damage there. Maybe buying 18 pairs of shoes is not a mature choice. Only mature people with self-control retire. Right?

Wrong! I have determined that I am no more mature this week than last week. I didn’t want to be mature anyway. Maturity implies totally white hair and I am just not ready for that business. Maybe I think that self-control means not letting my hair turn totally white. And maybe self-control means doing a little shopping at Wal-Mart. I like their huge array of plastic dishes for leftovers. Of course, it is difficult to have leftovers when you don’t cook all that much. We have to go to have Mexican food on Wednesday for the super enchilada special. We have to go to a home-cooking place for the chicken spaghetti special on Thursday and so on. Since I don’t need leftover dishes, I left Wal-Mart and went to Central Market. I proceeded to look at the expensive olives for 25 minutes.

The olives just threw me totally off schedule and that is why I did not go to the gym on Monday. It makes perfect sense to me. Plus, I bought one of those Texas chocolate cakes “like grandmother made”. They were on sale and I wanted/needed to save money and evidently not save calories. I could not face that front desk gym lady after having a slightly small piece of Texas chocolate cake.

On Tuesday, I actually made the trek to the local (not too close, not too far) Recreation Center. I don’t think anyone could tell that I had already had another piece of Texas chocolate cake. I was brave and told the truth about my over two year absence. I can’t help it that I stepped off the basketball court at school…a drop-off of perhaps four inches…and promptly broke a tiny bone in my foot. Five doctors later, I was able to get a diagnosis. I kept saying that something was broken. That tiny bone kept me from the gym for over two years. I thought that I heard the nice lady at the desk say “That’s ok, honey”…I suppose she had heard enough excuses.

Excuses or not…I went for the equipment orientation today. I have never been given so many verbal instructions in my life. Maybe I am not an auditory learner. I can’t remember anything at all except where the locker room is located. Plus, I need to buy a lock. The machines seem very complicated and fancy. What happened to simple exercise bikes? Some of these machines even have the internet on a display. I don’t think that I can read my email while exercising. I might break a really big bone if I fell off of a machine like that.

I am going to take my chances on falling off and I am going to the gym. No joke. The people were very friendly and they seemed to be having fun. Since I am all about fun, I think that I will fit in just fine. I will let you know.

In the eighteen years that I spent in public schools, the word “playful” so often was an absent commodity. More absent every year. Playful? No time for such folly in 2017. Not in some schools.

Preparation and practice for the state test takes precedence over most everything. That is how it appears to me. I have not been teaching in a testing grade level for several years. Thank goodness. However, I do feel pressure to prepare the children for what lies ahead. The pressure felt by teachers and children in grades three, four, and five (and beyond) must be intense. I see it in their eyes. Or is this my imagination? I doubt it.

Or is it in my imagination that I don’t hear as much laughter? I doubt it. I wonder what happened to fun assemblies? When I taught in another large city district, we regularly had a fascinating magician, Folklorico dancers, musicians, positive thinking speakers. And so on. The outside world was brought to the school on a regular basis. It not only gave us a break in the regular daily schedule; but it gave us something else to think about, to talk about, to draw about, to write about, to research, to share. Isn’t that what education is really all about?

We have had some moments of interaction with the outside world in my current district. A few little moments…quick moments…hurry here, hurry there moments. There was the portion of the orchestra that played in the gym. I loved it. Prior to their arrival, my class talked about each instrument that we might hear. We saw pictures of the instruments. We listened to the sounds. We took time away from literacy. Right or wrong decision? Right, I think.

As we were walking down the hall to the gym, one of the orchestra members passed by us as he quickly walked to the gym. One of my boys called out (a little too loudly!)…”I bet that he has a trumpet in that case!”. The musician turned around with a huge smile and said…”Thank you for learning something important today!”…my entire class clapped for the trumpet player as he kept walking down the hall. Unreal moment. What made them clap? Spontaneous. A reaction to something concrete…a person who was going to play real music for us. Maybe it was fine that we skipped most of literacy that day. It just seems that sometimes five year old children know what is best.

These children are too young to know very much about the state tests that are waiting for them in a few short years. Will those test reflect what they really know? Will those tests reflect joy in learning? Will they reflect independent learning? Or maybe the test will reflect that they skipped playful and teachable moments…so that they could learn how to take a state test. It just seems wrong to me. In all actuality, it seems like substandard education.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/substandard/

I forgot to grow up. I never intended to grow up and I doubt that I ever will truly grow up. I just don’t see any reason to throw away the joy and excitement that childhood brings. I have completed so many of the grownup expectations. I graduated from college. I received a master’s degree (although I am not certain that I really used it). I had a career. In fact, I have had two very different careers. I married and I am still married after almost 40 years. We had two children. We are looking forward to grandchildren. We have bought two houses. In addition, we have a farm that is lots of fun and lots of work. I am just in charge of the meeting and greeting duties and occasional cooking. I highly doubt that anyone will every ask me to fix a tractor or cut down a tree. The repair costs after my attempts would be prohibitive.

So…I have accomplished a few grown up type items except for the farm repairs. When at the farm, I like to ride four-wheelers (once I have figured out how to get on them). It is so exhilarating to ride up and down the trails through the woods. I am not the fastest rider in Texas as my family reminds me so often. I am afraid for the four-wheeler to lean to the right or lean to the left. A slight lean and I scream. That is part of the fun.

I also have the infamous golf cart that we also ride on the trails. In golf cart circles, I am sure that riding on rough trails is a monumental no-no. However, I am enticed by the idea that I can take three other brave people with me. I always tell my passengers not to worry about wild animal attacks. I have a large hammer for protection. Ha! Ha! They think that I am joking. The hammer is it…really. There are just possibilities of seeing gigantic wild hogs, fox, coyotes, mountain lions (I may have dreamed that one up!), rampaging deer (I would not use the hammer on Bambi), alligators near the creek, and sometimes there might be snakes. Remember, there are rattlesnakes in Texas! Overall, it is a fun and bumpy ride. I have only gotten stuck once and that just lasted two hours at the most. Nothing to be concerned about. Being stuck in mud will eventually be a good memory.

My other childhood memory that I still hold dear are dolls. I love dolls of all sizes, of all shapes. If I see a Madam Alexander doll at an Estate Sale or a Garage Sale, I go almost totally crazy trying to be the first person to pick it up. Don’t get in my way at that time. Danger! I always had Madam Alexander dolls as a child and I do think that they are really beautiful. I still have my dolls and their blue boxes. Some are little dolls and a few are large dolls. I started getting these dolls for our daughter and she just was not impressed. Some people are just not doll people. She cut the hair very short on one Madame Alexander doll. I was completely shocked, but the short hair did look rather cute.

And then…Barbie came along. I did not think that she was cute…what with all those curves and all. She was just a little grown up for me. But, she had some outstanding clothes. Would you believe that I have all of my original Barbies and most all of her clothes? What a total pack-rat. Now that I have recently seen the price of those original Barbie clothes, I might lose the pack-rat title. Maybe I will be called the genius Barbie collector and I didn’t even know that I was a collector.

After Barbie, along came the best doll ever (in my mind)…the American Girl Doll! I was just mesmerized by them immediately. The details on the clothes, the history lessons, the books, the accessories…how could the doll world ever improve on the American Girl Doll? When they first came out, our daughter was about ten years old or so. She was actually just about beyond the doll age and didn’t care for them anyway. But…I had an excuse to get one! I eventually purchased three and the clothes and the accessories. They are worth A LOT now. I am hiding them from my family. They seem to think we could buy a ski boat with the profits. Well…that is a thought!

Ski boats are grown up toys, aren’t they? That might fit in with my mind set. A boat for one of those large lakes in the Ozarks would be very cool indeed. I may need to check out the situation. My main point of this rambling blog is to let you know that you don’t have to totally grow up. What you really liked as a child is what you probably really like today. See if you can make the connection. You just might have an even happier life! Bringing back part of your childhood can be an incredible gift to yourself. Do not be the least bit nervous…finding yourself is truly a joy!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/nervous/

A child asked me on Thursday why I was putting their books in boxes. “Teacher, we are not finished reading the books in the reading center! Do you think that we don’t even like those books? Put them back on the shelf! PLEASE!!”…other children quickly started asking questions. No matter what I said, they could not understand that we had reached the very last day of school.

I normally do not start totally taking apart my classroom until the children are gone home on the last day of school. They get very sad because they usually think that the school is the prettiest place that they have ever seen. It is true…many of the children have never been very far out of their neighborhood. Our school is very important to the structure of the neighborhood. I always have many parents who also attended elementary school in this very  location. I’ve never felt or seen such a sense of community. It is amazing and heart-breaking at the same time. I want to say…”Stretch your wings! See the world! Go for adventure! This is a big city! Look for opportunities!”…but, these are only five year olds. So many of their parents are very young. Some parents are older, but have all of the responsibilities associated with multiple children. The parents may not be able to take them to the museums or the zoo or a major league game. The monetary resources are just not there. On the last day of school, I realize that I am giving many of them back to an existence filled with poverty.

Every year, I am emotional about the last day of school. I want the future to be so bright for these children. I want the parents to keep on the same road that we have been on all year…to introduce the wonders of the world beyond our school. In a few weeks, I will be able to let go. I know that I can’t shape their world beyond this year. I will always care about them and some of them I will hopefully hear about as the years go by. However, this year is so very different. As I have mentioned in my recent posts, I am retiring. Let me say that more correctly…now I am truly retired. I am very excited to have the time to try some new activities…to travel to places we have never been, to learn to play the piano (I took accordion lessons for nine years…surely I can still read music!), to take another watercolor class, to learn about my new camera, to make some new friends, to enjoy old friends, to volunteer at the zoo, and on and on! I worry and wonder…I have been attached to such a minute by minute schedule for so long…I hope that I can push procrastination far away! Sometimes, it is nice to just do nothing in particular…but, I like to be busy…I work better when there are deadlines to meet. I guess my newspaper days will always be a part of me.

I suppose that I work better under pressure. Goodness…what really compares to the pressure of being responsible for the education of 22 five year olds? Teaching is just not as easy as some people think. I know. There was a time when I thought teaching would be a breeze. I know better now! I also know that teaching has shaped my life in ways that I can only now perceive. I have become more tolerant of differing cultures. I have grown more intolerant of parents who are in and out of jail. And some years, that does happen and I see the results on the faces of the children. I have become more patient, sometimes more impatient, sometimes more direct and sometimes more subtle. I have learned the power of listening. I have learned the power of holding a child’s hand on the way to the cafeteria. I have learned how to get the children on my side…to respect me and listen to me. I hope.

I hope, I hope. That is all I can do. My last class is out of my hands. I said good-bye. The school gave me a wonderful and fun party. There was another retiree and two teachers who were married during the year. We had a lot to celebrate.  I cleaned my room. Our daughter helped pack everything up. She helped me put together my first classroom when she was very little. We’ve gone full circle and I am proud. I said thank you and see you later to my school friends. I took a picture of my classroom. A classroom waiting for a new teacher and new children. New laughter. New knowledge. New fun. Turn off the lights in room #119. I have finished my task and I am happy.

“See you later” flowers from my class.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/final/